well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
