I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
