Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
