Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize