new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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