she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
When are your genitals available?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
