she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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