Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
false alarm, still single
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