So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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