I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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