Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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