Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
