youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
