Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
