i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
