maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
