He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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