I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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