Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
