I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
