he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
