I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize