FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
