Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize