why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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