The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
