Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
