Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
