Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Randomize