The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
