I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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