i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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