In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
