I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
