I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
