Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We have started to decorate penises.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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