i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
