Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
