Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
