I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
