I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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