He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
