The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
