I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
