she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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