I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize