college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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