she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
