I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
