The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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