I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize