His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
