Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
