remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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