im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
