I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's not a walk of shame if you run
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
