I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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