I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
