What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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