I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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