Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
