My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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