Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
