when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
