how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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