Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
