I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
