i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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