I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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